


Silence

by ReturnToZero



Series: Erudition [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, M/M, Multi, Tragedy, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-09
Updated: 2013-02-09
Packaged: 2017-11-28 19:08:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/677866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReturnToZero/pseuds/ReturnToZero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Sequel to <i>Blindside</i></p><p>Warnings: Angst, Tragedy, Yaoi etc.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Silence

**Author's Note:**

> Sequel to _Blindside_
> 
> Warnings: Angst, Tragedy, Yaoi etc.

\---dark---

The noise never bothered him.

That was the first thing Kurloz noticed when he saw the other man at the hospital. 

The brunette beauty was completely unaware of his world, his eyes downcast as he fiddled with the clay heart, his fingers gliding across the surface as the other patients screamed to the top of their lungs. His body was slightly hunched over as if he was being pushed by an invisible force, an unknown weight on his shoulders. His hair was dull and flat, his overgrown mohawk looking strange as there was no true 'shaved' part. His plain white shirt and black pants were faded, most likely through too many washes, wrapping tightly over his figure. He smiled and make a strange noise, half-laughing, half-sobbing as he rolled the heart in his hand.

The sun light made his skin red in irritation, his tan only deepening with the strong rays of light. Kurloz followed instructions and closed the blinds, his eyes following the man as he moved from his spot, gliding to a corner and sitting right up against the wall. His head lulled back and rested against the wall, closing his eyes and staying silent. Kurloz didn't know why he would do such a thing, such madness was somewhat frightening yet he couldn't help but want to know more. He carefully approached the Latino, calling out to him. 

He was disappointed when he received no response and raised his voice, his head pounding at the intensity of noise in the room. Kurloz could barely understand why such a quiet fellow was left in the 'loud' rooms. Still his call was ignored.

Something was clearly wrong.

He reached over and grabbed his shoulder, and finally the patient turned, curiosity shining in his eyes. The man had his gaze lowered to his lips, concentrating simply on his mouth. The scars on his ears and cheeks were in plan sight, his gnashed skin lighter and lumpy from some sort of _accident_. Kurloz stopped speaking and the other man simply smiled, his hands moving fluidly as they began to speak for him. He simply watched in amazement at the grace and fluidity of his dark hands, this movement had clearly been an art all on it's own. 

He cringed as another scream pierced the air, glancing over at Tavros who was unaffected.

Ruby lips sent an apologetic smile and he returned to face the wall, heart in hand as he tried to speak, “I-mu, my name is Tavrous.” His voice was choppy and accented, but still held a strong melody, almost as if it was simply rusty with time. 

Kurloz wanted to respond but didn't know how, the other boy clearly couldn't hear him, so he opted to write down his name and responsibility.

Tavros took the paper with a small smile, a strange noise(not quite a laugh) slipping from his lips as he shifted against the wall. Kurloz did his best to get Tavros up but he couldn't, and the incessant noise was making his ears shriek in pain. The man even had the gall to fall asleep in his corner, and Kurloz sighed in defeat, instead choosing to examine the brunette.

His eyes quickly scanned over the over-grown mohawk and the bland attire, taking note of a few piercings before finally looking at the heart of clay. It had cracks and slight deformity, the color a burnt rose and faded with time. Kurloz slowly took the heart from his tan fingers, prying away what had been the center of Tavros' universe.

Horrible noises and screeches hit him at full blast, the man was furious and continued to make noise, suddenly the reason for his placement here was apparent. Kurloz shoved the heart back into the tan palm, reaching out to touch him since he could not simply 'shush' the man to calm him. Tavros clenched the heart till his knuckles gleamed white, screeching all the while and breaking out into sobs. 

It took what felt like hours to calm him. 

The silence was beautiful, a blessing come true in the complete lack of noise. His ears felt a bit deaf from all the noise, and the thrum of his head became apparent, he had stayed too long in the noisy room. 

_“Are you okay?”_ , he quickly scrawled onto the paper, handing it to Tavros and looking over at him again. Tired eyes and a hunched position gave way to the idea of Tavros being extremely tired. He shook his head and wrote;

_“I am never going to be okay. I'm a chronic. Gamzee was a chronic too, till I came.”_

Kurloz scanned over the words, not recognizing the name at all, frowning. Such pessimistic ideas made him both happy and sad. He was joyful because he often held bleak views and took hold of Murphy's law as if it were the bible. His sudden sadness stemmed from the fact that the man before him with a beautiful art would never be able to return to the world. Chronics and Acutes were the codes they used here, but the patients knew them as well(which kind of defeated the purpose). As a chronic Tavros would be trapped here with no hope of recovery. 

Apparently this 'Gamzee' was also a chronic but must have gotten out?

Kurloz craved to know more but one of the nurses escorted him out, his shift was done. “Please tell him that I will be back tomorrow.”

The nurse sighed , “You don't even know him that well, why would you even want to see the same patient? There are many more who could communicate with you better...” Kurloz felt disgust at her response, “I can learn sign-language. He's an interesting fellow, and is it such a wrong to want to meet someone different?” He left before getting a response, anger flaring as he slammed the door and escaped the white-washed walls.

\---dark---

“He's here because of self abuse and suicidal tendencies.”

Kurloz focused onto the diagnosis, digging out Tavros' file and finding out about his initial reason for being in the hospital.

Gamzee had been more of a curse than a miracle.

“We believe that they perhaps began to pursue a romantic relationship, which is strictly against the rules.”

Tavros “Rufio” Nitram was certainly an interesting character.

He seemed like the worst nutcase that had ever come into the hospital(yet he seemed the most sane?). Initially he had been surreptitious with his aches and self mutilations but in a sudden turn of events he began to publicize his self-inflicted wounds. His smile had held nothing but a blank emotion in his picture, and he even diagnosed himself with extra ailments(narcolepsy, insomnia, chronic liar, dissociative identity). 

“It wasn't until there was a complication with Gamzee's surgery which led to his death that Tavros became who he is today. He had such a bright future as well, his scores had come in as flawless and he could have even begun working with the neurologists...”

Kurloz began to laugh, “It's beautiful.”

The nurse stared at him incredulously and he took the file, scanning for Gamzee's and taking that one as well, “This is the best thing I've even seen! I'm going to simply make a few copies of these for myself.”

\---dark---

Tavros watched him intently as he came over, sign-language paper in hand as he began with basic sentences. During his free time he had began to learn the alphabet and a few phrases, but it still was not enough for conversation.  
 _  
“Hi my name (is) Kurloz.”_

With a smile he began to move as well;  
 _  
“Hi, my name (is) Tavros. I'm excited that you came.”_

_“What are you doing?”_

_“I'm having a heart-attack.”_

_“Silly. Don't say that.”_

Tavros shrugged before turning away to look out the window. He followed multiple objects from outside, the low plains, the lone bird in the air-but nothing seemed to keep him preoccupied for long. Kurloz frowned and tries to take his attention again, failing desperately and instead sitting beside him. It wasn't long before Tavros had decided to use him as a pillow, leaning on his shoulder and closing his eyes. 

It was hard to tell if he was truly sleeping, or if he was simply resting his eyes. 

Kurloz allowed this to go on, their relationship had grow tremendously during the weeks they had together. It was insanely silent, and he would try not to disrupt such perfect silence with his voice. They didn't need words. All they needed was presence and movement. And Kurloz frowned, turning away at the strange thoughts that had plagued his dreams-he had begun to desire a much different movement along with a deeper relationship. It wasn't fair to Tavros-he wasn't even aware of the constant stares and infatuation. Kurloz mentally cursed himself for falling in so deep, but he knew he was helpless.

During his research he found that the only reason Gamzee was getting out was because he proved to the asylum that he was sane(he might have also slipped them a wad of cash), but came to this hospital for his eyes. The operation would reconnect his eyes to his brain, allowing him to finally comprehend his sight instead of being blind. What was supposed to help him became his downfall, and he smiled, stifling a laugh that sounded more like a wheeze. 

He couldn't help but be jealous of Gamzee.

Tavros must have been madly in love with the other boy-going to the point of checking _himself_ into the psychiatric ward days after his death. Unfortunately Gamzeee had lost his life, but he made sure to bring Tavros to the grave with him. Anything even remotely related to Gamzee (directly or indirectly) would have Tavros on a breakdown, completely ready to end his life at a moment's notice.

The numbness of his legs began to bother him, feeling static press through his entire leg as he forced it to move, his foot stepping on thick jellyfishes-

Tavros began to play with his curls, as usual. He had a set schedule often consisting of peaceful silence or rambunctious thrashing, but the transitions were only filled with childish activities. He read fairytales and watched Peter Pan(with subtitles of course), along with playing card games and coloring pages in children's coloring books. Once the night came he would stay up very late, but pass out once he could no longer keep his eyes open. 

The nights often consisted of reading multiple theories and analysis on antagonists and 'insane' people. He would draw and leave images of only black and white-Kurloz could never look away from the paintings, often only seeing splotches and figures, but once he stayed staring at one and found himself terrified at the blind man he saw hiding in the ink.

Tavros brought him to stand, successfully pulling Kurloz from his mind and tucking his head under his chin, closing his eyes and sighing. The taller man was confused, but he loosely wrapped his arms around his deafened beauty, his heart yearning for something more intimate.

As the seconds flew by Kurloz found the intimacy he longed for.

In a swift and fluid movement Tavros had lined up their lips, shooting straight for his and pressing lovingly; Tavros' lips were heavenly. Kurloz immediately responded, making his feelings known as they continued their heavy lip-lock. As soon as they parted for air Tavros spoke, “I hate you.”

Kurloz wanted to talk back but he knew his words would fall on deaf ears, so instead he scowled and crossed his arms in irritation. Tavros laughed and shook his head, _“You (are) horrible (and) ugly.”_ He fought through the pain of his words but his mind swam with questions; Tavros had initiated the kiss yet he was rebuffing him?

It made no sense.

There had to be a deeper meaning, a reason for such vacillation. Kurloz knew he would have to clock out soon for the day but he didn't want to leave. He wanted to stay and figure this boy out, find out what exactly he wanted and what he _needed_. Kurloz wanted to fix the poor boy, put him out of his misery and try to get some sort of value in his life.

Tavros growled and whined, pulling his hair and tugging hard, Kurloz wasn't sure if he saw tears or simply imagined them-

Either way his scream pierced the entire room, the sound seemed as if it was simply a big echo, bouncing off with sudden volume and pain. He covered his ears and the other nurses quickly went in to remove Kurloz, trying to get him to leave for 'provoking' Tavros. He left home with a heavy conscious, knowing that this would probably be the last time he would see Tavros; His hours would finish and now he would have no reason to return to the damned place. 

He just hoped the somber silence wouldn't mean anything more than his own distorted fears and anxieties.

\---dark---

It had been a few weeks and honestly he found life boring again.

Now he had no obligations, he had finished his service but he wouldn't have to do anything that involved Tavros. Kurloz looked around his study room, admiring all the pinned up drawings that Tavros had made, noticing the stack of letters that Tavros had left him with. Tavros was a mystery-as soon as he found out one thing about Tavros it raised a million more questions about him. 

Once he had asked Tavros if he was happy-

_No. But the letters do help._

It was then that the letter exchange began. 

_Don't open them. They are not for your eyes. I hope Gamzee likes them._

It was saddening. 

But Kurloz had followed Tavros' instructions. He never opened them, instead keeping them together in his desk, organized in order of date. Sometimes Tavros would accumulate them, wait till the end of the week before handing over a small stack held together by a rubber band(which he probably stole from the main desk).

It was maddening now, Kurloz couldn't decide whether to look at them now or to simply burn them.

His fingers twitched, hid mind never resting-he had to know what was in those letters. He grabbed his hand, tightly clenching over his hand and digging his nails into soft flesh; He shouldn't read it-couldn't read those letters.

Kurloz sighed, unable to hold himself back as he tore through the desk, finding the first letter and ripping open the flimsy envelope. His hands shook, he was surprised to see such nice and neat handwriting, nothing like the print that he had seen at the hospital. Tavros never had a steady hand, and he definitely did not write in such pretty cursive.  
 _  
Dear Gamzee,_

_I am sorry for not writing sooner. I wanted to forget you and remember you all at the same time, wish that you were never here but know that you were everything I ever wanted. I know that this is all my own fault, that I should have tried harder to keep myself together. I couldn't though, and I needed somewhere to stay, to be able to remember you and leave you. The wonderful thing hasn't happened yet-and I'm kind of scared that it never will. I always had faith that someone would come around, but I haven't found them yet. I hope I don't scare them too much._

_But I did meet a guy today, he kind of looks like you. Or at least I think he does, I could be wrong. I can't even trust my eyes anymore, I wanted to hug him and call him Gamzee-but I knew better than that. He's pretty in his own way, but I don't want him to know._

_I'm scared now that the wonderful thing won't happen since he's come, he's ruining everything-and I am helpless._

_I can't write anymore, I'm too upset. I'll write again when I can hold this pencil right._

_Love,_

_Tavros_  
  
Kurloz wondered about the _wonderful thing_ , baffled at the ambiguity left behind in the letter. He began to organize himself, swiftly opening every letter and reading more-finding more and more about Tavros through the letters than he could have ever done in person. 

Tavros made sense through his letters, not only being proper but also fluid in his words and communication-in the idea of actually making sense and be consistent. Anything outside of these letters had been consistently-inconsistent, any occurrence and vacillation being only another way of Tavros protecting himself.

The boy had clearly stated himself that he had layers, outward being the most maddening while the center being the most coherent and understanding. _A flower cannot change it's petals, but it can shift them to adjust to the ever constant world, move the petals to make sure the center would be secure for the winter._ Every action that Tavros had made was not so mad or unreasonable now, it seemed only natural-necassary to have gone through with what he had done. It was only to save himself, to keep from blooming and finally losing his center of sanity and understanding.

_I know the wonderful thing is going to happen, it's so close now-yet so far away. I need to have this, to have all the courage and strength in the world. I need to be cool and collect, and have the most open perception. I cannot let anything get in the way. Not even Kurloz._

Pity and rage settled in his belly, consuming his insides as his violet eyes darted left and right, reading line after line of the downward spiral Tavros Nitram had succumbed to. There was hope and optimism, but also extreme sadness and never ending depression. The thin papers were stacked on top of one another, their wake only leaving behind tumultuous feelings-swishing back and forth with every lingering word. Time had no meaning here, even as the sun fell and swam in a sea of reds, pinks, and oranges-

_The wonderful thing-It'll happen today. I am certain. I will finally-FINALLY-be reunited with you, my love. I only worry that you will detect the emptiness of my heart, and how there is a small something missing. I fear that what you were always entitled to has been slightly diminished. I am afraid of the wonderful thing, and I am certain if I cannot go through with it-Kurloz will end up winning._

_I hate that man-he has taken everything I thought was certain._

_I know he only means good but I cannot accept his charity and grace-for he is a thief and a whore._

_I am sorry Gamzee-please forgive me. I never meant to be so weak, to crumble in his presence. I never meant to feel anything for him-but he's sneaky like that. And I know it's partially his fault, but partially my fault too. ___

__Nightfall always made Kurloz nervous, somehow his lack of sight made him nervous and anxious; Tavros was being defensive. It was obvious, his act of kindness only conveyed his true feelings, but guilt and hurt always brought a defensive action-in other words an attack. Tavros must have suffered in his dying feelings and obligations to the no-longer-here Gamzee, Kurloz sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose._ _

__It was obvious that Tavros needed help._ _

__From where though would prove to be elusive and ambiguous-_ _

__His eyes burned with unshed tears, head throbbing from all the reading. Eye-lids grew heavy and his arms ached from their constant position, begging to be put down and allowed to rest. Kurloz turned in for the night, supposing that the last letter could wait for the morning._ _

__\---dark---_ _

__Sunlight had filtered from a small sliver of uncovered window, signaling to Kurloz the arrival of lunch._ _

__He usually never got up this late, but his body still moved lethargically, wishing for more time to wither away in darkness and dreams. Once going through the little things of life Kurloz finally came to; Tavros' letter lied innocently on the table._ _

__Kurloz took a deep breath and found two papers in the envelope, he began to read the first,_ _

___Dear Gamzee,_ _ _

___I will see you soon. I promise you that, the wonderful thing is going to happen. I just have something to do-quickly._ _ _

___Love,  
Tavros_ _ _

__The wonderful thing soon became apparent-Tavros was referring to his death._ _

__Fear clawed at Kurloz's beating heart, his legs shot with energy and adrenaline, Tavros was going to kill himself. Even as acid filled his calves and thighs he showed no sign of stopping, running the entire way to the clinic. His breath came out in pants and gasps, his lungs couldn't keep up with the run-A nurse came to his side and he recognized her as the one who taught him sign, so he quickly motioned his problem and information-_ _

__“Sir please calm down, Tavros is fine. He decided to stay in bed a little longer-”_ _

__“No! He's not okay, he's never been okay! It's gonna happen, he's gonna die!” he screamed, gripping her shoulders and shaking her slightly. He peeled off and ran to see Tavros, finding him in bed as the nurse had said._ _

__Kurloz approached slowly, accidentally stepping on broken clay and finding the scattered pieces across the floor. He collected them and found a giant piece still missing, getting up slowly as his nerves flared. His lips were pulled into a thin line, the grimly situation making his jaw clench up. He placed the shards on the small desk in the room, noticing how barren the walls were without all his drawings._ _

__He approached the boy, touching his side gently, only to find it lacking in warmth. Tears spilled over quickly as he saw a small pool of red by his neck, with the broken shard of clay in his limp hand. His hand was a brilliant red, and the heart-halve was red once more._ _

__Tavros seemed so peaceful, but Kurloz couldn't tell if this was a wonderful thing at all._ _

__\---dark---_ _

__The hospital had found him sitting by the boy, silent and waiting-_ _

__But now he was at home, thankfully he had been considered a 'family member' and thus would be able to attend the funeral service. Kurloz could barely register anything though, he should have been quicker-or perhaps he should have read the letter and contacted the hospital sooner-he should have-_ _

__The letter was right where he had left it, the second page folded up neatly. He hadn't read it but it made him curious. Unspoken words, Tavros had been full of promises and emotions that had never been expressed, especially to his dead lover. Kurloz wanted to know them all-even if they hurt him. He grabbed the paper gingerly, making sure to not ruin the delicate message, barely noticing the paper cut after he had fully extended the flaps and saw the small bullet of red on his finger._ _

___Dear Kurloz,___

___I would like to begin by saying that you should not stop me. I have a feeling that you will eventually read this, but the time is indefinite so I shall hope that it is after I have died. Thank you very much for being there for me and tolerating me while we were together. I'd also like to say that this isn't your fault, and that as much as I like to blame you I know I cannot.___

__I am certain that a very wonderful thing is going to happen, that I know will happen without a doubt. You have helped me through this wonderful thing, and I must say that even though I am still loyal to Gamzee, you have a very special place in my heart.__

___I hope that you can cry for me, but also live on, for you are very bright and the world needs to see how lovely you are.___

Sincerely with lots of love,  
Tavros Nitram 

__Tears fell onto the paper, making the ink mix and expand with the liquid-Kurloz was falling apart. His heart seized up and fluttered with waves of pain, a masochistic love coming from his anguish. There was both beauty and suffering in the letter, masked by sweet words and encouragement. Violet eyes never seemed to stop running with salty tears, his cheeks blanketed with warmth as they fell off his chin._ _

__He had to stop._ _

__He splintered from his spot, finding the couch and curling up. He made himself as crunched up as humanly possible, knees pressed up to his chest as tears flooded his vision. Pathetic little sobs hung in the air as he mourned the recent death, somehow he would have to fulfill Tavros' wishes, he would live on and try his best to keep Tavros proud._ _

__\---dark---_ _

__By the time the funeral came he could barely even feel anymore._ _

__Sure he wouldn't do anything drastic or potentially life ending but he sure as hell hated the nothing-ness that had resided inside. It was disgusting, but he would bear it-as long as it did not consume him. His tears had dried up and he was able to make himself presentable. His skin looked deathly pale against the black suit, but he had been eating fine so he shouldn't have looked so odd. In fact he could barely recognize himself, it had only been a week and he was already so changed._ _

__The service went smoothly, even the sky had dark gray clouds covering the light blue sky. At the final words he refused to speak, staying silent and simply turning out the speaker. A small drizzle began and soon everyone had umbrellas, Kurloz hadn't anticipated the rain but he stayed out in the rain, finding relief as the cold weather set in his skin._ _

__The crowd dispersed, some going to pay personal respects and he looked at the faces, sorrow and woe painted all across the field of grass. His eyes locked onto one man in particular, finding a direct resemblance to Tavros with this man, he must have been a close relative. The man had jet black hair with red streaks, slicked back and tamed to every last strand. He moved and was one of the last to stay in the rain, a clear umbrella in hand along with flowers as he spoke softly to the grave. By then end he gave a small smile, leaving the bouquet and surveying the area._ _

__Amber swam in gold and Kurloz couldn't look away from his intense gaze. The man strode over, the umbrella resting on his shoulder as he twirled it childishly. Soon they were face to face, and Kurloz couldn't bring himself to speak. There was a definite resemblance and relation, “H-hello, m-my name is Rufioh. I'm uhm, Tavros' brother.” Kurloz nodded and extended his bony hand, “I am Kurloz, I was a...close friend of Tavros.”_ _

__Rufioh nodded and licked his lips, his face was cheerful but tinged with worry, “Would you l-like to, pay some respects? I'll g-go with you i-if you want, but it's n-not n-n-necessary.” They moved together, the soft squish of mud and grass under their polished shoes with the light patter of rain filling up the silence. Rufioh held the umbrella above them both, keeping them both dry as they approached the grave._ _

__As soon as he was able to get a clear look at the grave dread filled his heart, bones aching and growing heavy as he finally was able to feel again. “This is disgusting-I'm sorry-”_ _

__Rufioh frowned, “Don't s-say that, emotions aren't disgusting. Feeling is never bad.” Kurloz was surprised at the sudden confidence in his words, amazed at how his words did not waiver. They stayed in a mutual agreement, tears and pain coming from both. “I loved him. I never told him how much I loved him...” he choked out, pressing his pasty white hands to his eyes._ _

__“And he s-spoke, of a wonderful thing! He thought death was a wonderful thing...” Kurloz could barely think anymore, his emotions cluttering up his mind and his throat. Rufioh sighed, wiping his tears, “The last time he wrote to me he did talk of a wonderful thing. I don't think he meant the end of his life though. He might have been sad but never to think that death was a wonderful thing. Sure he had even found some beauty in it but he just said it was something natural."_ _

__Kurloz faced the other man, taking in his very being as Rufioh continued, “I don't think I'll ever know what it is-it could be a lot of things. But my understanding is that maybe the wonderful thing was when he could finally stop feeling bad about Gamzee. I mean-he loved that boy dearly, and the wonderful thing was finally coming to terms with his life. If he was no longer out and doing what he loved then he wasn't really living, was he? H-He would be trapped forever if he lived, so maybe this was the best thing for him.”_ _

__Kurloz nodded, more tears slipping, understanding that Tavros would be happier this way. He remembered a story that Tavros loved to read, about a little songbird that was trapped in a cage, only to find a companion and ultimately leave into the world together on adventures._ _

__It became apparent that Tavros had his fantasy through Kurloz, knowing that there would be no happy ending._ _

__More tears fell-this time silently, and Rufioh hugged him, “He l-loved fairytales, and I think h-he”ll be able to get one w-with Gamzee. As for us I sup-pose that we're another tale, but who knows if we'll get a hap-py ending either. Either way I know w-we can make something of ourselves, and perhaps paint out own ending.”_ _

__Kurloz smiled finally, as bitter as it was he knew Rufioh was right. He embraced the other boy, knowing that they would both live on just fine._ _

__The silence was comforting, and he closed his eyes and took in the light scent of earth and the cinnamon coming from Rufioh-_ _

_Kurloz knew he would have to thank Tavros for giving him a reason to live._


End file.
